The Mess

"I did what you won't do," my business coach declared from stage.  It seemed like he was talking directly to me.  

"Ugh," I rotate in my seat.  How many times have I made excuses that it is too hard, or that I am just too busy?  Too many to count.

"How old do you have to get before you stop blaming your past for your current failures?  You were abused?  You were rejected? You were a victim? Get over it.  You were made for far more than your misfortunes."  How many times do you blame your past for your current rut?  Your past existed.  There is no sense in pretending it didn't.  But there comes a time when you need to realize your future is more important than your past.  There comes a time when you have to stop acting as if your misfortunes are the defining title of your life.  I have a past too, everyone does.  But at the end of the day, it isn't the past that will define you, it is the way you respond to the past.  

I have honestly written a blog similar to this, but I have been re-inspired to focus back on the truthful subject.  In all reality, there are way too many people who will forever be controlled by their hurtful past, because they are unwilling to do the work to overcome it.  It is painful, it will not be easy, but allowing growth in a dead area of your life will push you far past that of an ordinary failure or success.  There is no way to see yourself for who you were made to be until you address the pain.  It will be there, anchoring you to the ground until you release it.  But only you can untie that knot and release yourself.

When I was growing up, us kids would get ourselves into various difficulties.  We would get caught in something, our hair matted beyond understanding, or cords in some irreversible mess.  In our childhood ways, we would run to our mommy, compassionately named the Knot Doctor, to help ease the mess.  She would patiently sit and detangle the mess and then we would be on our way again.  We need that Knot Doctor, and let me tell you, it isn't going to be another person on this planet.  Only God can truly detangle the mess life made.  But you have to go to him.  He will only fix it if you ask.  You have to ask, because your future starts now.

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:13-14

Destiny

This week, I am happy to say, has been a week of blessing.  There is nothing quite like blessing to remind you of what an excitement for life looks like.  It is amazing how busy we can get with our head down, grinding away, that we forget how beautiful the trees, birds, and sky are.

And what is the best gift worthy of lifting your head for is?  Easter.  No, not the bunny and colored eggs (however cute those traditions are), but the pure unadulterated gift from the son of God, himself: life.  And what a beautiful gift that is.  A gift, that unlike most, is not earned, but freely given.

Yes, I do fully understand the market will be flooded with well-meaning bloggers speaking of the value of Jesus' gift.  Regardless of this, my week of blessing will be fittingly incomplete without the mention of "The Christian Super Bowl" as our pastor so fondly calls it.

But anyways, one of the greatest lessons I have learned is that Christ's gift really was one of the only free gifts in life.  The rest take hard work and a lot of grind, but the reward at the end is so bright and beautiful that it makes all the hard work seemingly incomparable.  There is a sort of parable that comes to mind.  The Chinese bamboo tree doesn't break ground for four years after it is planted and then on the fifth year it grows 90 feet in 5 weeks.  Thus is the intricate story of success.  The beginning seems bleak and requires a certain multitude of faith in order to see its value.  Then, all of a sudden, after faith exceeds possibility, the impossible takes shape.  And what a beautiful thing that impossibility becomes.

I will be honest, this week I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about why in the world faith has to exist.  Why can't God just reveal himself and then everyone could just sit in his glory?  Because God wants more for us.  He wants more for us than a mediocre acceptance of truth.  He wants us to be challenged and stand tough.  One of the best blessings he could ever bestow is truth after a lifetime of living by faith alone.  Only then will we grow to be all He longs for us to be.  Only then will we fulfill our destiny.

And Jesus answered them, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen. Matthew 21:21

Designed Decision

This week the Allen household came down with something.  Not exactly sure if it was a stomach flu or a response to food poisoning, but regardless of what it was, it had us down most of the week.  Between sharing our single bathroom, or debating over whose turn it was to get waited on, it has been an interesting week.  

Regardless of all of that, a few things have become glaringly obvious. First of all, if I intend to become more confident in my skin, I need to make a decision.  A decision comes before any type of growth.  This week I spent every day pushing off my responsibilities and vowing for a better outlook tomorrow.  Tomorrow came and went with more promises of a better future, but no work ethic.  So Marcus and I sat down tonight to do our weekly assessment of growth and decided to make this coming week (starting now) better.  Was our pathetic last week justified?  A little.  But we can still use it to better understand our comfort zones and what we tend to default to when challenged.  

Which brings me to my second realization.  Having a healthy understanding of what our comfort zone looks like is extremely important.  It is hard pushing forward every day.  There will be times when you want to crawl back to the time when life was easier and aspirations were low.  It is always easier to aim for a comfortable present, but if we want a better future, we have to create it.  The best way to get out of your comfort zone is to know when you are in it, and what will motivate you to get out.  I know it sounds trivial, but I can backslide very quickly on a bad day and get very comfortable, very fast.  

It is so important to know yourself.  That is truly the only way to love yourself.  The more time you spend discovering who you are, the more you will discover the unique eccentricities that God designed uniquely for you.  But first it takes a decision, a decision to grow.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” -Jeremiah 1:5    

Deflated

How do you teach people to love themselves?  That is the question that has been floating around and around in my head.  It seems that with any other learning, all you have to do is study it.  But with self-image, often the more it's studied, the more fault and weakness is found.

A couple nights ago my husband and I excitedly watched the third part of the Hunger Games trilogy.  The movie (Part 1) was invigorating and set us both into the Hunger Games-frenzy again.  So much so for me that I grabbed the book, Catching Fire, off my shelf and picked up where the movie left off (reading the remaining 212 pages in a matter of hours).  If you are familiar with the books you should know the ending has left many readers disappointed and grasping at straws at the end of the plot.  Why?  Because a strong and powerful character leads battle after battle throughout the entire storyline and slowly disintegrates before the readers eyes.  By the end of the story she is nothing but a shell of the person she once was, fighting the horrendous memories that haunt her.  Why am I telling you all of this?  Because it bothers me that an appropriate answer to pain and hardship is to disappear and lose the person you were designed to be.  Do I understand the pain that this character endured?  No.  In fact, not even close.  But to me, each challenge should be overcome, not passed by, surrendering pieces of yourself, until you are depleted like a balloon slowly losing its substance.

Am I taking this series a little too literally?  Probably.  But I think it highlights a piece of reality that is worth mentioning.  Instead of overcoming situational experiences in our life, we see difficulties as a reason to become less of ourselves; worse yet, we adapt to carrying a greater burden and never learn to drop it and move on.  Everyone on the planet has baggage that they are carrying around.  Sadly, most people's most defining feature is their baggage.  Why?  Because they don't know themselves well enough to think any different.  Their self is a sum of all of their circumstances instead of their circumstances being defined by their self.  You are more than what has happened to you.  You are what you think you are.  It's time to start thinking you are great.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28    

Tonight's Dream

This week I was standing over my sleeping son and praying for him and his future, as I do every night.  His little fists were tightly closed and body relaxed into the comfort of his bed.  It is moments like this that I can't help but wonder who he will become and what dreams lay ahead for him.  As I left his room that night, I started thinking about who I am and whether I would want him to follow in my footsteps.  This is a very humbling thought. I am proud of who I am, but more proud of who I want to become.  If I want him to become something, or believe something (for instance believe in himself), I need to pave the way.  I can't expect greatness out of him, but never move beyond mediocrity in my own life.  This is motivation to me.  From the beginning, my son has been motivation to work harder and to be more.  It is easy to want more for my child, but never do anything to create it.  I want to show him what self-confidence looks like and what success looks like.  But that takes hard work.  It takes focus.  It takes drive.  And most of all, it takes belief.  I can work all day until I am blue in the face, but if I don't believe I can do it, the motivation will never stick around.  What is the point of working hard if you don't believe in the reward?  

Belief is essential to growth and self-importance.  Perception is reality.  Heard that one before?  Do yourself a favor and believe, even for a day, that you have more potential than right now allows.  Your future doesn't have to look like you are now.  But you have to decide to be different and want more.  It won't happen on its own.  

One of the greatest things I have learned is that the more I love myself the more that I want more for myself.  I want to achieve more, because I believe in myself and I believe in the dream that was placed in my heart.  Maybe you aren't there yet.  But you have to start, or your dreams of tomorrow will always be a day away.  

"The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied." -Proverbs 13:4

The Others

At his wife's funeral, a passionate minister, Dr. E.V. Hill, expressed a story depicting his wife's affectionate soul.  In Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, it was described like this: "As a struggling young preacher, E.V. had trouble earning a living.  E.V. came home one night and found the house dark.  When he opened the door, he saw that Jane had prepared a candlelight dinner for two.  He thought that was a great idea and went in to the bathroom to wash his hands.  He tried unsuccessfully to turn on the light.  Then he felt his way into the bedroom and flipped another switch.  Darkness prevailed.  The young pastor went back to the dining room and asked Jane why the electricity was off.  She began to cry.  'You work so hard, and we're trying,' said Jane, 'but it's pretty rough.  I didn't have enough money to pay the light bill.  I didn't want you to know about it, so I thought we would just eat by candlelight.'  Dr. Hill described his wife's words with intense emotion.  'She could have said, 'I've never been in this situation before.  I was reared in the home of Dr. Caruthers, and we never had our lights cut off.'  She could have broken my spirit; she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me.  But instead she said, 'Somehow or other we'll get these lights back on.  But tonight let's eat by candlelight."

You see, there is one job that we have as humans on this planet: to love others.  It's funny how often we get sidetracked and think it is all about us.  The greatest thing I have been reflecting on this week is the power that we have to live and breathe life into others.  Only then will you be truly fulfilled.  So as I focus on my purpose and, of course, my daily life to get there, what truly am I striving toward?  If I seriously analyze my life, how much do I feed into others?  Ok, so unfair question because I am a mommy and my life constantly is encouraging my little one.  But when I move that aside for a second, does my love extend beyond that?  My husband- does he get fed into and encouraged the way he deserves?  And the real and honest kicker- am I doing all that I can?  Or am I making excuses in order to do the minimum?  Life wasn't meant to live in order to just get by.  It was intended to be flourished upon, it was meant to be serving, it was meant to be beautiful.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another." -John 13:34

Growth On Repeat

What a ridiculous week.  I honestly don't remember half of it.  As time continues to fly by, I have set a new goal for this blog.  Seeing as how the days seem to be eaten up faster than pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving, I have decided to take a weekly break every Sunday night.  A little me time, a little reflection over the past week and some intentionality moving forward.  A Starbucks date for me, myself, and I.  So as long as my life doesn't move in another unexpected direction, this will be my plan and time to think back over the previous week and share my reflection.  Not that I won't occasionally share my thoughts or aspirations throughout the week, but right now my commitment is set on Sunday Night Reflection.

I think the best description of this week has been pain.  Not all bad, after all, pain is the result of growth, but nevertheless, it has emphasized to me how important harnessing that pain for good is.  A few years ago one of the pastors at our long-time church spoke one of the most profound messages I have ever heard.  I swear, monthly I refer back to his thoughtful words and use them to assess my own life.  What are these profound words?  In one word, growth.  He estutely read about the Israelites in the desert and how they spent 40 grueling years navigating the challenges.  What a perfect analogy of life.  Time after time, the exhausted mob was put through the same challenge.  Faminine.  Then drought.  All their sustanance disappeared and they were asked to trust.  What was their response?  Fear, doubt, panic.  In the heat of the trial they not only fell from God, they questioned all of his promises.  They screwed up.  God understood, but gave them another shot to respond to their lesson and move forward.  Did they change their response?  No.  Fear, doubt, panic.  Again and again the cycle played.  Our pastor emphasized that the longer we spend not growing and learning from our experiences, the more we will have to repeat the same struggle.  I equate it to a video game.  Again and again you will edure a level until you pass it.  Only then will you move on.  Thus is growth.  Growth is essential if we don't want to be walking in circles for 40 years.  

The reality of the situation is that we can't control the circumstances that come our way.  There will be days that are hard and the wind gets knocked clear from our lungs.  It is our job to respond to these days with grace.  It is our job to stand up and face the wind head on.  Get knocked down?  Try again, with more strength this time.  The beauty is every time you get up and try again you will develop more stamina.  Another opportunity to pass the level and move on to the next.  You have an option.  Don't flee, fight.

"Now there was no water for the community, and the people gathered in opposition to Moses and Aaron." -Numbers 20:2

The Thief

It has been such a long time since I have been able to write.  There are a few things I am unwilling to give up in order to blog and those have been especially demanding lately.  My beautiful son has turned 7 months (do you believe it!?) and my wonderful husband is working like mad.  Let me tell you how I am feeling tonight.  My husband has had an absolutely terrible work weekend, 12 hour shifts, back-breaking labor, very seldom complaints.  He came home today exhausted and claiming that today was the worst day he has had in months (this is a big deal, his job is terrible).  The morning was awakened by getting yelled at for someone else's mistakes, it continued by having to run around trying to fix those mistakes, and then it was solidified when they discovered that their work conditions are being tightened ("Fear needs to be the primary motivator for hard work again").  Ugh.  Did I mention that after he got done with the worst day ever, he just got a call to come back in?  Cue- military wife's fake smile.  

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because not only is it on my mind, but it solidified to me that there will always be things in life that fight to steal truth.  Every day, people dress to impress. To me that means they dress for someone else.  For some, that isn't unfortunate.  But for those with uniform jobs, there is a desire for faceless workers.  Jobs desire robots, they desire clones.  Every day these bosses require their employees to fit the box and every day they push everyone to be "uniform."  My business coaches often say, "we all are born as individuals and die as clones."  Not only are we required to fit in, but we are asked to apologize if we don't!  This is disheartening in all regards.  But be careful to understand, however, that I don't expect anything more from jobs, the military, or society.  It is their job to maintain order and uphold a consistent standard.  But I want to encourage that you don't allow your person to stop at their boundaries.  When you leave your office, flightline, or store, find somewhere to release yourself.  Find out who you are and push that piece of yourself further.  Because if you don't intentionally pursue that piece at night, you will turn into the photocopy you are demanded to be during the day.  And losing the true you would be a deep travesty.  

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." - Psalms 139:14-16

In The Making

There will be days of discouragement.  When every time you turn around another tiny explosion is in need of an extinguisher.  When the wind seems a bit colder and the truth seems a little less true.  When the sun seems to constantly be hidden or your shield seems a bit less effective.  There are those days when your sweats are your only clothing of choice and when your ego dips below the line of sane.

But it is these days that require the most strength.  It is these days when you want to punch back, but often the effort it requires seems a bit more than you can muster.  But you have to.  You have to get up.  You have to feel better.  You have to endure.  Because the bad is nothing compared to the good.  And the good is worth pushing for.  Your best isn't easy, but it's possible.  And possibility is all that matters when a winner is searching for a win.

Sometimes we lose sight of our potential capabilities because they don't define where we are right now.  Right now we have a stained face from all the Cheetos and ice cream and the mirror is telling us that our current lack of beauty is the best it will ever be.  But the truth is that behind all of the stains, behind all the tatters, behind all the tears, there is real unbridled potential waiting to get out; just waiting to be released.  But the bad days are a test.  The bad days are a question of how badly you want it.  Do you want it?  Do you want to be strong?  Do you want to be proud of you?  Because being proud of you takes work.  Not because you aren't worthy of pride, but because there are lies swarming you, day in and day out.  There are reasons to quit, all you have to do is pay attention.  But if you focus on that shimmer streaking through the trees, if you focus on the truth, it is there you will find your beauty.  Only there will you understand the meaning of all the trouble.  Because only through trouble will greatness be found.  Diamonds are made by squeezing them under 725,000 pounds of pressure per square inch.  Can you withstand the pressure?  Can you overcome the bad days?  Can you overcome the mistakes?  Humans need to withstand pressure in order to become great.  Only with conquering pressure without breaking will we shine.

"There is gold, and an abundance of jewels; But the lips of knowledge are a more precious thing." -Proverbs 20:15

Flighty Affection

A few days ago I heard a speaker discussing emotions.  Love is obviously an emotion and a very important one at that.  So if we want to learn to love ourselves then we need to learn to control our emotions.  The speaker said that if we want to learn to control our emotions we first need to learn to control our thoughts, because all emotions come from thoughts.  This was pretty profound in my world.  Let me share the example he used.

He explained that the engine of a plane is held on by four bolts.  Four bolts!  That's it!  My husband, who works on the C17 (second largest cargo plane in the Air Force) confirmed this fact.  Knowing this, it would seem likely if not probable that the engine would just fall out the bottom of the plane.  I don't know how the plane is structured, it may be physically improbable, but lets say for example's sake that this is what you believed.  This thought could cause fear.  The fear would grow every time you thought of flying and that plane plummeting to the ground engine-less.  Ridiculous?  Maybe.  But the reality is that this fear started with a mere thought.  A belief that grew into a reality.  Every emotion begins that way. If we can be intentional about our thoughts, we can be intentional about our emotions.  

If I want to love myself I need to start with my thoughts.  I need to think good of myself in order to love myself.  That is an absolute fact.  You cannot love yourself and think bad of yourself constantly.  Your belief will be undermined by your thoughts.  It is a daily process of consistent effort.  It is worth it, but it is not easy.

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

The Line You Follow

I am going to be very real with you for a second.  People will always find what they are looking for.  Whether it be good or bad, it can be discovered.  That is a very dangerous thing.  If people want to believe bad, they will find what they need to back it up.  Knowing this, we need to be very very careful when using principles to define our life.  Principles are so important in guiding us where we need to go and keeping us on track.  Unfortunately, when our principles are off, it can guide us off the path and keep us there with accidental false justifications.  

Best example?  Think about an argument that you have had recently.  If you are too holy to argue with the likes of mere mortals, observe us mortals fight.  Almost absolutely, if the two part mid-argument, they will run somewhere (or to someone) and voice their case.  And dependent on who they run to (themselves or others), their case can be either strengthened or overthrown.  The reality is that regardless of what they find, they will find what they are looking for.  

The reason I am bringing this up is that lately I have been told that I need to be careful to make sure I am pursuing contentedness.  I wholeheartedly agree.  Probably not in the context they are using it, however.  I believe God put us on the earth to grow and change until the day we die.  I believe that He has a plan for me to not remain stationary, but to be constantly moving.  This doesn't mean that I am not content, this means that I am progressive.  Content in my world means that I am happy with where I am at right now, but knowing that my place right now is not where God wants me to be in a few years.  This means that regardless of how far away from perfection I am, this place right now is where I need to be.  Not that I am content with staying here forever, but right here, right now, this is where I belong.  I am not pursing a destination, I am pursuing the pursuit.  It is in this pursuit that I am content.  I am saying this, not because I have achieved this, but because I want to rid myself of any excuse I can make to not strive.  There are many reasons not to strive, but there are far more to push.  We just have to clear our lenses and walk the line.

"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth." -2 Timothy 2:5
       

Battle or War?

What a learning process this has been for me.  It has been really hard lately to stay consistent with my blog.  I guess this is the perfect opportunity to discuss how easy it is to fall off the wagon and how much easier it is to stay off than get back on at times.  Life has been so busy lately and keeping up has been a mere pipe dream.  And I only have one sweet little bug.  I cannot imagine how fully my life is going to speed up when we add more kids to the mix!  Regardless, life will always be busy if there isn't direct intentionality.  Someone once said that everyone has the same 24 hours in the day.  That is unchangeable.  What is important is what you do with them.

It seems so often the line between what we can control and what we can't gets all blurred and we end up blaming the world for the things we can change and taking credit for the things we can't.  One of the most valuable things we can do in life is decipher the difference.  Why is it so valuable?  Because without deciphering the difference, we are bound to live a stress-filled life.  We will constantly have no control of our life or the things in it because we focus on changing the things that we can't, or more honestly, the things that don't matter.  

I recently went to lunch with a mother of three and one on the way.  She calmly sat sipping her tea beside me as her kids terrorized the landscape and made me question my desire to have anymore than the single angel baby that we have right now.  "How do you stay so calm?"  I inquired, utterly and completely inquisitive.  She smiled softly (with tired eyes) and replied, "I pick my battles."

What truth there is in that!  How much havoc and stress could we save ourselves if we could do the same in life.  Imagine looking at the next stressor that came along and instead of letting that terrorize your sanity, calmly recognizing that as a battle not worth investing into?  

I don't know about you, but I am very focused on living a stable and productive life.  A life of consistent success.  Not that I wouldn't fail, but that I would be consistently progressing.  This is only achieved by directed intentions.  And the only way to receive directed intentions is by constantly plugging into truth (in our parenting, self-esteem, marriage, and otherwise).  It is interesting that whenever we invest in truth, the more truth we discover and the more lies we invest in, the more lies we discover.  We can achieve stability, but only with consistent focus.  Focus on the good.  

"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:2

Dance Your Heart Out

Growth is unfortunately a very slow process.  A perfect illustration of this was my desire to become a professional dancer.  My dream was formed when I was in high school.  I don't even remember the specific moment, but all I knew was that I wanted it.  Every night when my family went to bed, I would push all the furniture aside and dance in front of the windows until I was worn out and my desire was fulfilled enough to wait for it another day.  I loved that time in front of the reflecting windows so much that when it was time to find a college I searched every dance program that I could to find a program that someone with a lot of passion but no experience could get into.  I was embarrassed of my lack of experience and ability, but I wanted dance enough to make a fool of myself.  Long story short, I attended a college right over the Wisconsin border and auditioned my way into their program.  It was a supreme success.  Several years into the program, however, they had audition opportunities to work with professional dancers.  I auditioned and got an understudy position.  Honestly, I was distraught, because although it was an honor, it wasn't the greatness I was hoping for.  To this day I remember one of the professional dancers coming over to me after the positions had been announced.  She recognized my disappointment and looked me square in the eye and said, "Brittany, this is a huge honor and opportunity you have.  I can't tell you how many understudy positions I held before I got to where I am now.  This is your opportunity to do something great.  Don't underestimate this time to grow."  It was a slap in the face.  Just because I worked hard, doesn't mean I deserved that position.  In reality, I underestimated the time and effort it took to do my dream.  I expected my dream to fall into my lap, and unfortunately (or fortunately), that isn't how life works.  We have to work for what we want... hard and for a long time.  If it was easy, everyone would have their dreams.  

Well, it has now been years since then.  I let go of that dream to pursue a deeper one: motherhood.  I can honestly tell you that motherhood requires more of me than dancing ever did.  If we aren't careful, passion can be all about selfish desires.  At least it was for me.  We want to achieve something for ourselves.  But motherhood takes me beyond that to a place of selflessness daily.  Everyday I embrace the fact that my desires and needs are secondary to a piece of my heart that yearns more deeply for my son than I ever have for myself.  Not that he would achieve some magnificent future, but that he would be cared for and loved.  I have the same desire for my husband.  

Be mindful of the fact that those who pursue their dreams first are not any lesser.  For in reality, we are all just looking for the same thing.  We are looking for our heart to be fulfilled.  Is there any greater feeling than that?  And regardless of whether or not you agree with my method of achieving that, religion or none, you get there by constant focus and baby steps.  Even in the hardest days, may your heart speak louder than your head.  May you constantly remember your purpose for living every day.  And may you find your will to live this life as you were intended to, for only then will you be fulfilled. 

-"Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." -Psalms 37:4

Wake of Self-Pity

There is nothing quite so off-putting as someone who is indulging in self-pity.  I will not go into illustrating a person driven by this mentality, because I am sure you have experienced one.  They are victims of sort.  Some that drive their acceptance and feelings of love off of getting the sympathy of others.  It is a personality trait that becomes draining on others and quickly overshadows the good in you, if you aren't careful.

My reason for bringing this up is not to illuminate the flaws in others, but help to illustrate this mentality so I can better identify it in myself.  The reason for this is not just for self-awareness, but because this is one of the most harmful emotions I could ever become accustomed to possessing.  Self-pity not only focuses on the negative, but also shrinks my own ability to overcome it.  Focusing on problems is like fertilizing them.  I don't know if you know much about how the farming process works, but being from a small country town, it is one of familiarity.  Fertilizer = poop.  The more poop, the more growth.  In plants this is good, in negative focus, not so much.  What it comes down to, though, is whatever I focus on will grow.  I have control.  

I read an interesting quote: "Over the years, we have occasionally wondered why others seem to have so many more problems than we do.  We've finally come to the conclusion that we don't have fewer problems; we just don't allow the problems we have to get us down or distract us from what we believe is important."  -John C. Maxwell

Problems shrink when they are eclipsed by our successes.  It is my job to direct my focus on the good and the infinite potential.  Unfortunately, there is something alluring about the negative.  It almost feels good to have problems and to get attention from them.  Sort of like a child receiving temporary comfort from a parent.  But when I stay tuned in on getting up and moving on, I will be far stronger than wallowing in the wake of disaster.  Only in the discomfort of the heavy waves will I develop the muscles needed to succeed.  Only then will I be strong.

-"James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion: Greetings. Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ..." -James 1:1-27 ESV

Better's Risk

One of my greatest flaws is doubt.   "There is either all in or all out, there is no in between."  I recently heard that on a success CD and it took me a while to decide whether or not I agreed.  But the longer I reflected on it, the truer it became.  There is either all in or all out, there is no in between.  I so often get caught up in the kindas, maybes, and somedays.  What a dangerous road that is.  If I allow my future to be determined by maybe, it has a minimal chance of success.  Maybe leaves my future to fate or chance.  That is, by nature, all out.  "I will" is, by nature, all in.

The best example that I can give is to compare this to poker.  If you know the game in a gambling sense (I honestly have never played, but to my knowledge, this is how it is done) you know that everyone in the game has poker chips.  The amount of chips you bet corresponds to the belief you have that you can win.  The more chips, the more belief.  The term "all in" is coined in poker to say that you are betting everything on the success of that single hand.  There is risk.  Just like in life, when I take a chance on me I am risking that I could be not worth the risk.  And doubt would have me believe that.  But having faith can move mountains.  

Being all in means that I am willing to sacrifice in order to achieve my goal.  It is not up to nature or circumstance, it is up to me.  I will have a good day.  I will become a leader.  I will love me.  These things often require effort, not immediate gratification.  Declaring that you will do or be something means you are willing to pay the consistency to achieve that accomplishment.

I will love myself.  Every day when I have nothing but criticism, I will replace the criticism with encouragement.  When I doubt my ability, it adjusts to match my doubt.  Doubt will characteristically make me all out.  Why?  Because on the hard days when the progress isn't what I desire, I will start to question the point to trying.  This is a slippery slope, that if not readjusted, will destroy my efforts.  I need to be proactive in believing in my capability.  I need to overcome the doubt.  Only then will stand at the height that I am capable of.

"So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you." -Matthew 17:20 NKJV

The Illusory Cage

So I completed a full blog yesterday and deleted it, because it wasn't perfect.  If that isn't raw criticism, I don't know what is.  Onward I progress, observing clearly that I haven't achieved the perfection that I am striving for, nor will I.  The beauty of progress, however, is that it doesn't lead me to a destination, but more progress.  If it was perfection that I reached, there would be no point to the life remaining.  

It is funny how I can agree with something, yet still not believe it to the core.  I believe in myself, yet still doubt myself deep down.  In order to change the pieces within me, I need constant repetition of the truth.  The truth that I have been focused on lately is creating me into the person that I am supposed to be and part of that is letting go of the pieces that hold me back.

I recently was told a story of a tribe that was trying to capture monkeys to learn more about them.  They used a standard trap with the bait placed between a box and the ground.  The monkeys were too clever and would reach under the box and retrieve the bait without going under themselves.  The natives came up with an ingenious idea to put the bait in a cage with slots in the side.  The monkeys would be able to fit their hand between the slots, but the slots were too close together to fit the bait back through.  Well, the monkeys were too greedy to let go of the bait, so they stood there until they were captured.  

The monkeys were self-confined.  They could move on, but they remained stationary and focused more on the unchangeable.  In a similar way, it is so easy to allow offenses from the past to define the future.  If I remain focused on the past, I will forever be chained to the ground, unable to grow and move forward.  In order to harness my full potential, I have to let go of the things that are caging me to my past.  There is a certain freedom waiting in the release of pain.  No one can free me but me.  It's time to let go. 

"Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in affliction and in irons... Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst their bonds apart." -Psalm 107: 10-14

New Growth

Today I was reading further in the book the 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth and it encouraged the reader to write a list of your 100 best qualities.  100!  As I started in on my list, I realized that I was doing yet another activity in the quest to advance my self-esteem.  What is with all the activities, you may ask?  If I expect to grow, I need to do more than fill myself fat with information.  If I never apply what I am learning, the information itself does me no good.  If a farmer goes and reads daily about crops, but never actually gets out and plants anything, he will never see a harvest.  Nor should he expect to.  It is the same way in advancing my self-esteem.  The problem is, advancing my self-esteem requires mental growth, so it is often assumed that reading something alone will achieve this.  The truth is, it doesn't.  Reading about self-esteem informs you about it, it doesn't improve your own love for yourself.  If I want to love myself more, I need to invest in myself.  As John Maxwell states, "if you do not value yourself, you will have a very difficult time adding value to yourself."  So I need to try.  I need to make the effort.  Not just read, but apply.  

If I expect to grow a harvest, I need to do the planting.  Daily, everyone is given opportunities to respond to life.  Even if you sat on a couch and watched T.V. all day, you are still responding to the decision to do that over something else.  Everyday, we decide to either progress or digress.  Anything that isn't growing is dying.  How often do you see a plant that stays the same size for years?  Or a child?  It doesn't happen.  Yet as adults, we assume if we stay in one spot, that our momentum and mentalities will stay the same.  The scary part is that they won't.  Growth is intentional when we reach adulthood.  And going to work, if it is a standard job, won't grow you.  It will just tire you out so that you feel like doing nothing when you get home.  I worked to get where I am right now.  I already know how it feels to give up, I already know how it feels to procrastinate.  I already know how it feels to be stagnant.  I choose to be progressing.

"The seed which fell among the thorns, these are the ones who have heard, and as they go on their way they are choked with worries and riches and pleasures of this life, and bring no fruit to maturity. But the seed in the good soil, these are the ones who have heard the word in an honest and good heart, and hold it fast, and bear fruit with perseverance." -Luke 8:14-15

One Word

When I was a young girl we were asked to do an exercise in school.  Every student in the class was asked to pick a single word starting with the same letter as our first name that could be used to describe ourselves.  At the time we all thought it was a silly exercise and spent time giggling to one another about the many options.  To this day, I still remember the word that I chose.  Brilliant Brittany.  

I actually had forgotten all about that exercise until I was reading the 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth and it asked the reader to do a similar exercise.  Pick a single word that describes yourself.  Do you want to know what word immediately popped into my brain?  Brilliant.  

It is amazing what power assigning a single word to ourselves has.  Subconsciously, that word has molded me and sought to stay the center of my understanding of myself.  When all the negative came pouring in through life, that single word stayed embedded in my psyche.

What power positive talk has on our ability.  My business coach recommended that I assign a single word to the year.  So at the start of the year, I picked reliable.  Why reliable?  Because I want to be a reliably pursuing, reliably producing, and reliably encouraging.  There is a certain strength that distraction has at derailing you from your goals.  With my single word, I can stay focused, stay intent, stay alert.  With reliability in my sight, it forces me to analyze the decisions that I make daily.  If I can ensure that my decisions line up with my single word, it forces me to be constantly productive.  One step further, if I can make sure that my To Do list aligns with my goal, I know that I am effective, not just busy.

It is my goal to be the best me that I can be.  That requires that I am focused and goal orientated.  It requires that I know me and that I don't stand in my own way.  My goal is intentionality and grace, so that even in the difficult of times, my vision stays grounded. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:6

Preservation

My focus is on progressing me, my dreams, and my vision.  Quite honestly, I have encountered a drastic change since the beginning of my journey.  Daily I indulge in some sort of self-encouragement and daily I immerse myself in the battle of overcoming the mind.  The mind is where the battle is won, long before the flesh.  It is where we decide our capability and our future.  The mind is where we develop motivation, self-confidence, and a dream.  But we have to overcome the bad in order to achieve the good.

Tonight I was talking to my husband (who has been in Special Forces training) and he was explaining that when your mind comes against progress, it is actually a way of self preservation.  If we were still in the wild, battling off the elements, it would be in our best interest to find safety and quit far before we are out of energy.  It is this design that motivates us to find shelter and safety in the heat of the hunt. 

 Another perfect example of this is the cell phone alerting as it nears a dead battery.  You could have an entire hour left of power, yet it notifies you frequently of the coming end.  Interestingly enough, most phones are designed to have a feature that saves a tiny bit of power even after it shuts off in case you need to dial 911.    

This is self-preservation.  We desire to give up, we are told to give up, long before we meet our necessary end.  In order to reach our full potential we need to push beyond our panicky mind and realize our capability is more than our brain wants us to think.  We are no longer living in a survival world, we are living in an information world.  In order to succeed here we need to push beyond the fear and misperceived capability to our true potential.  It is there we will find our intended greatness.  It is in our weakness we will be strong.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29

Mental Aiming

I am not a widow, nor do I understand the pain that accompanies losing your partner in life.  But I have heard some interesting, and heartbreaking, things that go along with coping with it.  One of the greatest feelings that has been identified among the mourning is that they feel guilty being happy; as if they are doing some injustice to their spouse for trying to be content without them around.  I can understand in partiality (as well as anyone with half a picture), but in reality, the only thing that I can do is try to relate it to my own life regardless of how pathetic that comparison is.

One of the greatest things I am learning when trying to focus on my self-esteem is that there are minimizers of my self-esteem.  A perfect example of this is a mentality that I have carried with me all these years.  I have a strong desire to please others.  As I have mentioned before, this is a complete waste of time, because the only person that can control their opinions is themselves.  Let them handle them.  Regardless, I have discovered that my people-pleasing ways have some more ramifications on my self-esteem.  Just as someone mourning, I don't grant myself permission for progress.  I have never given myself permission to work on my self-esteem for fear that people would view me as pompous.  

There are so many reasons why this mentality is ridiculous, but yet I still allowed it to be used as a valid excuse to control my progress.  I need to be so careful to watch out for unreasonable mentalities or my base on reality will be completely skewed.  Not to mention, that I won't be progressing to my potential.  

There are so many mentalities that I am allowing to control me, that without intentional focus, will continue to skew me further from reality.  If I intend to move forward, I need to aim and jump, reaim and jump.  Every leap needs to be set up, or I will be moving the wrong way and quickly.  Focus is so essential.  So here it is, me striving... intentionally and directionally aligned.      

"Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we aremembers of one another." Ephesians 4:25

The Ugly... Swan?

I have a good friend that had a colorful tattoo on her arm.  It was one she got in high school, a mere trend at the time.  It wasn't enormous, but every time she looked in the mirror, she regretted the decision to get it.  The sad part is, tattoos are permanent.  You can attempt to get them removed, but as far as I am told, there will always be faint ink remaining.  She decided that instead of getting it removed, she would get a new tattoo over the top and create it into a tree, bold and beautiful.  The original tattoo is still there, but it has been rejuvenated into something she is proud of.  In an obvious way we need to stop dreading the regrets staring back at us in the mirror.  I think there is serious danger in seeing ourselves through the lens of criticism and assuming that our faults will never improve.  The sad part that I am discovering is that the worst flaw that I could ever have is not loving myself.  Why do I say that?  Because it inhibits all growth, positivity, and success.  If I were to desire for someone to fail, the greatest way of ensuring my success is to get them to believe in their own falsified insignificance. 

The scary part is, the devil probably believes in my capability more than I do.  If he didn't, he wouldn't spend so much time trying to convince me otherwise.

The biggest lesson I have learned in the last few months is how powerful my thoughts are.  If I want more, I have to make more and that starts in my mind.  As Zig Ziglar says, "It is impossible to consistently behave in a manner that is inconsistent with how we see ourselves.  We can do very few things in a positive way if we feel negative about ourselves."

It is obvious that I want to grow, but at times it isn't clear how.  It requires adopting a new mentality and an entirely new way of operating.  Sadly, I have been operating incorrectly for the last twenty something years and I need to readjust my focus.  Knowing this, the only way I am going to achieve this goal is by identifying the places and times I am most susceptible to thinking negatively.  The number one place is the mirror.  I need to be intentional about turning my place of negativity into something productive and positive.  I am learning to turn my reflection into a place of encouragement.  I am learning to be rejuvenated.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9

The Time Catcher

Has it really been two days since I wrote last?  My mind is trying to catch up with life, but it seems that is only a feat left for the someday long from now.  Edric, my son, turned 6 months old today.  Honestly, they have been the fasted 6 months of my life.  It seems when you want time to go slower, it speeds up.  But that is the truth of it all, right?  I have to spend my time pursuing something and achieving something before I run out of time.  This is my time.  Now.  The longer I spend putting off the difficult things, the less time I have to spend doing the things that really matter.  Living is a sort of entitlement.  Living well is something that is fought for.

Today I started my day making a list of the things that make me unique.  It is things that make me special and allow me to fulfill the purpose I was designed for.  As a society, we spend too much time fitting into the mold and not embracing the special pieces deep down inside.  It sounds ridiculous, but seriously.  Since when is something that is more common more valued?  There is a law: scarcity creates value.  If we shy away from the things about us that are unique and special, we will never understand our true value.

Think about anything.  The more common it is, the less it is worth.  It doesn't make any sense to try and replicate another person.  You will never be able to be them as good as they can.  By law, you will then never be your best, or their best.

A friend of mine recently bought his wife a new car.  When he bought it, he flew across the state and drove 6 hours back in the new vehicle, all in secret.  He could have bought practically the exact car in same town that he lived in.  It would have been a lot easier, but he didn't.  He went all that way to buy the mercedes with a color unique to that vehicle.  It was a rarity.  It was special.  It is amazing how far someone will go, and how much someone will do for something of rarity and value.  

The sooner we can identify our value, the further we will go to harness our success.  It is out there.  But the less we think of ourselves, the less it is worth fighting for.  Our capability doesn't change whether or not we think it's great.  Our chances of reaching that capability is less, but the capability itself is not.  I would rather think I am more capable than I really am and be wrong then think I am less capable and be wrong.  If I am going to be wrong, I might as well achieve the highest that I possibly can.  

I am fighting for belief.  I am fighting for my time.  I am fighting for my life.

-"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." -Psalms 90:12

Where I am

"You must have some kind of criteria for knowing if 

the desire you have matches the ability you possess."

-John C. Maxwell

I realized that I have spent a lot of time trying to appeal to others in my blog and not being as focused on my own personal journey.  In thinking about it, I realized that the point of my blog is to motivate others based on my story, not based on my words.  With this in mind, I want to streamline my focus back to its origin.

I have been reading several books lately emphasizing personal awareness and growth (Your Personality Tree and The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth).  Both of which I would recommend to anyone else looking to seriously make over their understanding of themselves.

The quote above I got from the 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth.  I think I spend a lot of time doing one of two things.  The first of which is underestimating myself.  I recently was told a quote which said that an entrepreneur is someone that jumps off of a cliff and builds the bridge on the way down (To which my analytical husband heard and altered bridge to parachute, because bridges need the support of a solid point... Uhbub..).  Regardless, the point remains the same.  My focus needs to stretch in order to achieve the greatness I was intended for.  I will build my capability along the way, but I need to step out in faith and know that my growth will happen.  Which brings me to my second fatal flaw, becoming excited and having my excitement outweigh reality.  I cannot tell you how many times I get really excited about something, for instance, fitness.  I wanted so badly to get my body back after pregnancy that I decided, around the first trimester, that I would run a half marathon for the first time 3 months after having my son.  You want to know what happened?  I had a 8lb 12oz bouncing baby boy and I was still recovering by the time the third month rolled around.  Accurate understanding of my ability?  Not at all.  This lack of understanding causes major problems because I am either achieving the bare minimum or being disappointed by my lack of achieving my lofty goals.  Not much room for growth in esteem there. 

This is because I don't have an accurate criteria for measuring my goals vs. my ability.  In all honesty, I don't know the answer.  But the way I am going to proceed is to put myself around a community of people that are confident in their abilities and have achieved the things that I want to.  We often get so caught up in paving our own path that we miss the tracks right next to us.  So my goal right now is to embrace the good leadership surrounding me and know that my dreams are valid, it is the time frame that may be foggy.  

"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." -Titus 2:3-5