Renew

Two days ago I was sitting at home at one in the afternoon.  My son had just fallen asleep in my arms after an entire morning of diligent screaming.  He was feverish and overtired, a combination that makes for a very sad little boy.  I had spent the entire night wooing and cooing to him, to which bags under my eyes could attest.  My shirt was caught around my bra in the back, hair matted this way and that, and eyes barely popping back open after their inevitable blinking.  I was the picture of dragged out.  It was at this time that I heard a car door outside.  In denial, I refused to think that someone could possibly be at my house.  A few seconds later, I was dismayed to hear a knock at our door.  Before I even had a chance to shimmy my way to standing, I had decided on not answering.  I peaked out my window and see two Airman in full ABU gear.  I groaned as I racked my brain for any possible reason for their presence on my front step.  Knowing I had no other option, I opened the door, arms still full of my sleeping bundle.  Turned out we had been nominated for a turkey drop and they were delivering not only a 15.5 lb turkey, but an entire Thanksgiving feast.  Unfortunately, I was so busy being mortified by my appearance and the destroyed house to spend much time celebrating at that moment.  They were civil and we whispered back and forth in glorious awkwardness.  My husband's boss was one of the Airmen in attendance.  He apologized on his way out.  It wasn't until they left and I had stress-cleaned for a good half an hour that I could truly appreciate the gift in all its glory.

This situation, as entirely mortifying as it was (I don't think you understand the full awkwardness of the situation, but I will save you any more elaboration), gave me an opportunity to respond.  I know this may sound strange, but it is situations like this that allow me to exercise the greater self confidence I am trying to achieve.  Let me show you my two options:

A. Being mortified and be-raiding myself for the remainder of the day in agony and discomfort.

B. Letting it go and laughing about it.

Which one did I choose?  Both.  I did call my mom and husband and expressed my complete and utter embarrassment about the whole scenario, laughing throughout.  However, my main reaction was groaning to myself whenever it popped into my mind.  Could I or would I have done anything different?  Maybe pulled down my shirt in the back.  And thanked them profusely for their generosity.  But other than that, the situation would have probably played out just as it did.  My son is and was my first priority and that wouldn't have changed, even to the expense of my embarrassment.  But none of that mattered because I was still caught up in the wishing I was more suave or better on my feet.  I criticized myself on how I managed the conversation and told myself I should have done better.  It is this criticism that I am trying to rid myself of.  It is this criticism that I don't deserve, but have habitually fed to myself for as long as I can remember.  If I am serious about changing my self worth, I need to start with negative self talk.  It needs to start in the mind.  "Watch your thoughts because they become your actions, watch your actions because they become your habits, watch your habits because they become your character."  If I think nothing but negative about myself, I have no hope of ridding myself of the vicious cycle of disapproval.  We are who we say we are.  It's time to say something positive.

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the RENEWING OF YOUR MIND..." -Romans 12:2