Deserving

I have honestly been avoiding talking about this topic because I am not exactly sure how to approach it properly.  But I am going to give it a shot.  More often than not you are surrounded by people.  Especially if you are married, or living with others.  Now days, even when you are alone, you are still communicating, texting, or networking online.  Without realizing it, others have an influence on the way we go about living, the mentalities we keep, and the attitude we expend.  This constant interaction with others is honestly a beautiful thing, but we have to take an honest and hard look at the people we are allowing to influence our life.  I need to emphasize here that I don't mean judgement, but careful analysis.  There is a difference.  Judgement is critiquing someone, just to critique someone, often in a critical way.  What I am referring to is analyzing whether or not their lifestyle is one that is beneficially duplicatable in your own life.

The reason for this careful analysis is simple.  The people around you will affect you.  I have written a blog post about that already.  The issue I am more closely referring to is cutting out someone who is hurting you.  This is not something to take lightly and the only reason to do this is if someone is causing harm to you.  Often when we don't value ourselves, we end up around people that similarly don't value themselves either.  Unfortunately, hurt people hurt people.  What this means is that as you develop your self-esteem, there are people who will hold you back from progressing further.  Not intentionally.  These are not bad people.  They are just not willing to move forward.  Ideally, if you approached them about progressing forward, they would join you. But in reality, not everyone will, because growth is hard and not an overpopulated road.  It is then that you have to make the difficult decision for yourself.  

One way that works really well is offend the person and they will disappear quickly.  That's a joke.  Honestly, I have had to cut out very few people from my life, because I moved for my husband's job across the United States and away from everyone that I knew.  This is one of the best things that could have happened (other than being so far from family), because it gave me an opportunity to be who I wanted and find people that wanted the same things.  For you, it may not be so easy.  But, if you really want to move forward with your life, the people that are holding you down may have to be released.  This is a painful process, but necessary if you want to be and do your best.  I know it may seem clique, but you deserve to be brought up and encouraged.  Being in someone's life is a privilege, not a right.  If they are hurting you or holding you back, they aren't earning that privilege.  Be strong enough in yourself to know what you deserve.  You deserve the best.

-"Do not be deceived: 'Bad company ruins good morals." -1 Corinthians 15:33

Unconform

I am not sure if I have mentioned this or not, but we are currently in the process of sleep training our five-month-old son.  It has been a nightmare.  As first time parents, we walked into this endeavor with about as much knowledge as a shark in the rainforest.  At about 3 months he fell into a nice little schedule aside from one little problem: he was waking up at about 10:00p wide awake.  In an effort to fix this problem, we did what any sensible person would do: call their mommy... their friends, sleep experts, doctors, read books, and talk to strangers.  You know where all of this talking got us?  Nowhere.  Our inconsistency created a far worse environment for Edric and his sleeping got 10x worse than it was at the beginning.  Not only was he not sleeping at 10:00p, but now he wasn't going to sleep without a battle and was always exhausted.  That is when we put our foot down.  No more listening to other people.  No more listening to the heroic theories that worked perfectly for everyone else.  No more denying my natural instinct as a mother to appease the masses.  Enough.  He is our responsibility.  Ours.  We owned up to that.  I am happy to say he is only waking up for feedings and happy as can be with his schedule in tact.  

After this whole situation, a very evident truth emerged.  There is only so much listening to others' opinions, before it is your responsibility to decide what is going to work best for you.  We have to take ownership of our lives.  There is a definite blessing in being surrounded by wise people.  Let me be the first to tell you, we were surrounded by very wise people when sleep training.  But, when the time came to make the hard decisions and stick to them, we had to do it.  We had to decide what would work best for our son, because every child is different.  It was our job to make the decision that we felt would benefit him the best in the long run. And we did.  

It is the same with our identity.  Our self-image needs to be strengthened.  And we will always be surrounded by people who think that they can live our life better than we can.  It is part of living.  But we need to stand up and decide what is best for us, in this moment.  We have a calling to be different and stand out.  And more often than not, others can't tell you how to be different, they can only tell you how to become them.  If they knew how to do better or different they would have.  Take the opportunity to find out how to be the best person you can be.  Not because of anyone else, but because of you.  It's no one else's responsibility to tell you who to become.  It's yours.  So take ownership and decide, before someone else does.

-"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." -Romans 12:2

Stand Tall

Have you ever watched the CEO of a company walk around?  Or an owner of a business strutting between their employees?  I can only liken it to a lion roaming their domain.  No fear, no hesitation.  They earned their spot and there is not a reason for them to feel in any way lacking.  It is this way that we should walk around the earth.  Not in a cocky sort of way or in a way that demands attention, but instead with ownership.  A couple days ago a friend mentioned that we need to walk around as if we own the gym, the mall, or the hair salon.  You want to walk away and have someone say, "Who is that?".  Not in a rude sort of way, but in a status of influence.  There is a different mentality that takes place when you believe you belong somewhere. 

I think a lot of the time I am inclined to feel like I need to earn my right to be here.  That I am not deserving in and of myself.  This is ridiculous.  If you are a Christian, you know that our right comes from being made and placed here, alone.  Not to mention that Christ dying rids any right to shame I may have.  If you aren't a Christian you can at least agree that I have just as much of a right as anyone else.  Knowing this, my honest goal is to live this way.  To walk as if I own the room.  I need to be comfortable any place I go, no matter who I am with.

When I was in high school I was incredibly insecure.  Take my current self times 50 billion+.  I think in all honesty, everyone is, but no one has the security to admit it.  Whenever I think about the people I spent time with back then I feel like I currently need to prove myself to them; that I have changed and I am a different person now.  The sad part is that the need to get their approval is faulty in and of itself.  I have grown and changed so the need to prove that is ridiculous.  

My strength in myself needs to withstand and overcome the pressure pushing on me to run back to the cave I once lived in.  I am who I am and I have just as much right to stand tall as anyone else.  I am now bold, beautiful, and confident.  There is no reason to hesitate in my current skin based on being around people from my past.  My spirit longs to be revealed, and that is never going to happen when my confidence is dependent on the world around me.  It is my responsibility to walk tall everywhere I go, because this is a beautiful world and I have the right to walk in it.

"Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save." -Psalm 146:3

Onward

Many people judge their potential by who they are, who others are, and who they are told they can be.  Unfortunately, none of those things have anything to do with your potential.  Now before you get all bent out of shape, let me explain.  Who a person is doesn't determine who they can be.  Yes, some have it easier than others.  And yes, some have a more natural gifting.  But the reality is, it is less important where you start than where you are wanting to go.  It is not about what you have access to, but what you are going to do with it.  Did you get that?  Let me repeat.  It is not about what you have access to, but what you are going to do with it. 

Now for all of you that immediately have the urge to argue about how your situation doesn't allow you to be as capable as others, just focus on listening for the next few minutes.  If you still want to argue with me when I am done, so be it.  

This should be extremely freeing for you.  Your heart and your passion determines more of what you can be than who you are right now.  So all you out there that don't believe in who you are?  Who cares.  Don't let that stop you.  Believe in the you that you want to become, not the you that you are today.  

This is not to say that you aren't beautiful and amazing the way that you are.  God made you and I firmly believe God doesn't make junk.  But I want to emphasize, if you allow a minimized view of your current self determine your future, you will never become more than you are right now.  Your future is counting on the fact that you believe in yourself.  Your belief in your capability has more to do with your success than who you are right now.  Do we all start at the same starting point?  No.  But if you truly believe, you have the capability to catch up and surpass others with a lesser belief. 

Let me emphasize that belief isn't all you need.  But it is like a good set of armor.  You can still fight, but your odds of winning are drastically minimized.  If, however, you have the proper equipment, the journey can even be fun.  

Please also be mindful of the fact that in order to become who you want to be, you may have to make some changes to who you currently are.  Let me emphasize that this is not because you aren't worthy of love right now.  You most definitely are.  Love yourself.  But, part of the growing process is change, and growth will bring you to places you could never be otherwise.  

So I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is: draw a line in the sand.  It is time to step over that line and define everything behind you as staying there.  It does not determine who you are or where you are going.  Only you determine that.  So let's get moving.

"Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:13 

Reflection

My business mentor challenged us a few nights ago to sit down for an hour and reflect back on 2014.  Say you reached your goals, how did you stay on track?  Say you didn't, what inhibited your success?  Reflection grants us the opportunity to utilize our experiences and learn from them.  We need to be careful to not use this time to criticize ourselves, but instead look objectively at the mistakes or successes.  Let me share some of my discoveries.  

As I reflect back at the year one thing is abundantly clear.  I am loved.  I have an amazing husband, son, and family.  Not only that, but a God in heaven that cares for me more than I can ever imagine.  At times I have felt alone, but this is the result of believing lies and not truths.  I need to remind myself of the truths of life, so when a lie arises, it has no power because it is contrary to my truthful reality.

Secondly, I need to take blame honorably.  I am a faulted human being.  So many people are not secure enough to take ownership of their mistakes honestly and move on from them.  One perfect example is that Marcus was supposed to check in at work on Christmas Eve.  He is in the military for all who don't know.  He completely forgot and got several calls from friends.  In immense haste, he rushed in to work.  They reprimanded him for not showing up on time and started nagging him for an excuse.  Marcus responded, "I forgot.  It is my mistake."  They offered him paperwork to refute the punishment waged against him and he denied it.  He replied, "I know what I did was wrong, I don't need to refute it."  They were absolutely shocked.  He took ownership of his mistake... no one does this.  Because of his response, they ended up shredding his "paperwork", aka his punishment.  Marcus is confident enough in himself to take responsibility for his actions and own up to them.  This is something I need to strive for.  So many people become defensive.  I strive to own up to my mistakes, even at my own expense.

Another reflection point is being my own focus.  Our mentors spoke a lot about marriage and how years ago they learned to stop correcting each other.  Since then, it has granted them a lot of peace and happiness in their marriage.  I need to focus on myself and trust that my husband (and others) will do the same.  I am my own responsibility.

I challenge you to take some time and think back over the year.  Make growth an intentional decision.  I will probably be sharing more in the next few days about my reflections of the year.  Please join me.  Growth is done best as a team.

-"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" -Matthew 7:3

The Hidden Danger

I had the grand honor of going to my business coach's condo a few nights ago (enter excuse for not writing on blog) and he mentioned a few things that are essential to self-esteem.  I sat in awe as one of the country's most successful and influential leaders shared with Marcus and I some of his secrets.  In the next couple days I will share some of the greatest nuggets from our wise mentor and the relevance to my quest. 

Want to know what one of the greatest secrets was?  Self esteem.  Whoa, big shocker there, right?  He stated over and over that he lived in a glass house.  This glass house was formed, because he fought to have no secrets.  So often, we underestimate the destruction of secrets. They eat you from the inside out.  We need to be an open book.  Think about it.  When you have a secret, it draws your attention and focus.  Now, I am not referring to a surprise birthday party, kind of secret.  I am referring to the bad secrets.  I will not waste too much time defining them, because if you have them, you will know.  You see secrets in their nature tend to be bad.  Why?  Because when you actively go out of your way to isolate yourself, you achieve it.  Isolation is horrible, because as I have mentioned before, perception is reality, and you can justify anything if a true friend isn't there to set you straight.  

The worst part about this is: the more you invest in secrets, the more they become your identity.  And that is a very dangerous thing.  

Not convinced to give up that alluring closet life yet?  

I can understand that.  Let's talk about what it would take.  Say you have a secret.  Let's pick... cheating on a test.  You cheated.  You may regret it... let's say you do.  But you cheated because it was easy.  Copied off the smart girl with the blonde pig-tails and glasses.  You gave in to your urge to success via shortcut.  You are justifying why you don't have to come clean to anyone.  There is no need to come clean, right?  It was one time... it won't happen again.  Here is your opportunity for decision making.    

Decision A:  You maintain the facade.  No one has to know.  You convince yourself it was a one time occurrence and it won't happen again.  It does happen again.  You were unprepared on an exam and you slip back into cheating.  Justification: Just once more.  Until next time.  This repeats itself until you either become a cheater by nature or your secret is discovered on its own.

Now, there are a lot of assumptions in that scenario.  But my point is if you continue to conceal the secret, it tends to get bigger and often becomes a habit.  The truth about this scenario, regardless of whether or not you repeat it?  It has control over you.  You must conceal it and lie to yourself about whether or not the act was justified.    

Decision B: You reveal the secret.  You receive the punishment that is due.  It is labeled a mistake.  There is no justification necessary, because you and everyone else are aware of the mistake.  You can learn from it.  

Secrets are mistakes waiting to be brought to light.  Don't allow yourself to fall prey to the darkness of your closet.  You are more than your secrets.  Let it out, leave it behind, and grow.   

“So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops." -Matthew 10:26

The Warrior and the Princess

Do you ever wonder why fairytales are so popular?  Why the Disney team keeps  creating movies that hit your heart and soul and take you to a whole new world?  Maybe you already know, there are certain calls of your heart that you were designed with.  For women it is to be pursued, cherished, and loved in an undoubtable way.  For men it is to have a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a woman to rescue.  I am clearly not a man, but this is one of the discoveries I have gleaned from others who know a little better.

It has been this realization that has granted me a little grace in the perimeters of irrational thoughts.  These days (or forever, I am not sure), we are told that certain behaviors are lovely and others are unappealing.  We try with all our might to fit into this "appealing" category, whether we do it intentionally or not.  Perfect example: Men crying.  I am sure you are aware, most men will never cry in front of others because it makes them look weak.  Crying is often considered an unappealing trait in men, so many restrict this behavior in their day-to-day life.  The unfortunate piece of this is that many men are able to maintain this facade because they are emotionally shut down.  The reality is men do experience emotion.  Whether or not they exhibit it is determined by the man, but being human they do have human emotions.

What about women?  A perfect example?  Neediness.  Unlike men, not as many women are emotionally shut down, because we were told it is ok for us to have emotions.  Because of this, neediness becomes very evident very quickly.   This is veryyyy unappealing.  Women exhibit this when they are not feeling significant or important in someone's life.  We desire affirmation that we are loved.

The reality is we were wired in many ways to reflect God.  The bible clearly states that God is strong and mighty; a warrior, fierce and bold.  Men desire this boldness.  Have you ever seen The Secret Life of Walter Mitty?  In this movie, Mitty goes about life dreaming fantasy after fantasy.  My husband informed me that this is hugely common among men.  This isn't embarrassing.  This is the heart of a man: to battle.  

Same goes for women.  God is a jealous God who desires to be pursued and longed for.  This is a piece of His heart that we, as women exhibit.  We need to stop shunning this side of ourselves.  Now ladies, this does NOT mean we can go all out crazy on our men.  This means we can use this knowledge to understand that we are prone to insecurity of the love of others.  Knowing this, we can strive to develop an accurate picture of reality, rather than clinging to the idea that they aren't doing enough to show their love.  In Love and Respect, Eggerichs states that Men are most often willing to die for their love, yet women will still question their man's love just the same.

My point of this post is not marital happiness.  My point is that Christ has created very specific designs for our hearts and we need to accept who we are.  What God created was good and worthy of not being ashamed of.  The more we grow into ourself, the more we will radiate the goodness deep within.  Because it is there.  It just needs to be discovered.

-"You must worship no other Gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a very jealous God."  -Exodus 34:14

Capability At Its Farthest

I used to be a runner.  I still consider myself one at times, but until I get back into the daily habit, I can't really use that term to describe myself.  Back when I was a runner, however, I would go for 6-8 mile runs daily.  With this experience, there are several truths I will claim to be evident.

Firstly, restarting is always the hardest part.  Taking a week off was one of the worst decisions I could make.  You see, momentum makes things possible that standing still does not.  Knowing that, moving backward causes even more problems (and when you take a week off from running, you are definitely moving backwards in ability).  For starters, the feeling that accompanies the running habit after a week break is one of avoidance.  Most often feelings drive our behavior.  Sadly, if feelings were the only motivation I had, I would have never gotten back into running.  

The other difficult part about taking a week-long break is retraining myself.  It hurts really bad to accomplish the level that I had been maintaining a week ago.    

The second lesson I learned was that the more I focused on the distance ahead of me, the more impossible the finish feels.  If you have ever been on a run for longer than a mile (or a yard, in all honesty), you understand what I am talking about.  Time and time again I convinced myself just to run to the next light post over and over again until I finally make it home.  If we focus too much on the future, we potentially waste all of the strength it takes to get through a single step.  

If you haven't made the comparison yet, let me tie it up for you.  Our life is a run.  Believing daily that we can do more and be more is the hardest at the beginning.  It becomes a part of life with practice.  The minute you stop encouraging yourself and move into the rut of disbelief in yourself, the more backwards will be your primary direction.  Moving forward has to be our focus.   

Running also compares to belief in distance.  Every step we take is a new challenge and the more exhausted we feel, the more daunting the future is. Our primary job is to focus on the now.  Watch your feet move and believe that next step is possible.  If you carry on with life this way, it will be amazing how much you are capable of accomplishing, and before you know it, how far you have traveled.  To clarify, I am not saying that you shouldn't plan for the future.  But don't combine your capability of doing those plans with your current place.  You will be ready to climb the hill when you reach it.  The future will determine your capability, not your now.  Stay striding, stay strong, stay optimistic; and before you know it, you will have traveled miles.

-"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  -Matthew 6:34

The True Solution

I am going to be honest with you.  I try to make my blog appealing to most people regardless of faith, gender, or otherwise, because I firmly believe that low self-esteem is an epidemic regardless of your background.  Unfortunately, in this effort I have pushed aside a key component of self-esteem.  This of course is my opinion, so take it as you may, but I firmly believe every person has a hole in their heart that they are trying to fill.  Most people believe that this hole will be filled with money, lack of stress, or a spouse.  But the reality is that we were designed to have a need for Christ.  Until you realize that your purpose on this earth is to worship God and that hole in your heart cannot be filled any other way, you will be forever searching. 

One of the most common misconceptions is that a spouse will complete you.  And even worse so, your spouse was designed to complete you.  This belief will lead you into two results: a very unhappy marriage or many divorces.  Every person is flawed and the more we look to our spouse as having the responsibility of completing these flaws, the more they will be discovered lacking.  By design, we have flaws so we can rely on Him and He can get the glory.  Him, and only Him alone will give you the self-worth you desire.  Without an understanding of His reign and our status as his children, our value will always be built on our own works.  Our works will never measure up, because we weren't designed to rely on our own strength. 

The truth is that we were made incomplete, but that completion doesn't come from this world.  It comes from God.  Humans innately desire to worship.  That is why there are so many addictions in this world.  When we aren't worshipping God, we find something to take His place.  And I will tell you that the more "things" and people we try to fill God's place, the more dissatisfied and depressed we will become.

This is a reality that many people are already aware of, or many people are unwilling to accept.  But it is, just the same, a huge fragment of self-esteem I refuse to neglect.  If there is any one piece of growth that we should hold onto from this blog, it is this one.  We cannot be completed in our own strength, in our spouse's strength or in our possessions.  Only in Him can we be complete.  Only in Him will we be found.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

Horcrux of Giving

"A person who cannot sacrifice will never belong to himself, 

he belongs to whatever he was unwilling to give up."

-John C. Maxwell

This quote hit me square in the nose.  If you want a topic of self-analysis, how about this one?  Look at your life.  I mean seriously look at your life.  What rules it?  The more I am learning about money, the more I am learning about the power it has over people.  The funny thing is, money is merely a tool.  A tool to do good or bad.  And tools are primarily a light into the heart of a person.  My pastor always says, show me your calendar and your checkbook and I will tell you where your heart lies.  We say we are not controlled by anything; that we are free as we can be.  But in the stressful days, the truth comes out.  You see, we long for control and more often than not, we can't live without that item that we claim to control.  We crave to be in charge, to have something we can hold in the air and call a masterpiece of our brilliance.  But in all reality, we are merely self-assigned pawns going about life trying to blend in in all the ways we were meant to stand out.  

Think of what makes you unique.  What makes you different?  And now if others were to be asked this question about you, would they have the same response?  In all honesty, the person that needs to know ourselves the best is us.  I need to take the time to get to know myself.  It is in this journey we discover our true purpose.  

Most of us try to discover our purpose before we know ourselves.  And then get further distracted when we think our purpose belongs inside the box of a job.  We need to realize we are more than a job or a title.  Our paycheck doesn't define our worth, nor does a car, a house, nor a trophy wife.  

I am brought back to one of my primary points: we have to give something up in order to get more of it.  If you can't give it up, maybe it is time for some more self-analysis.  One of the best examples I can give is myself.  The more I give of myself to others, the more I seem to be blessed with my own time back.  The trick is being a cheerful giver.  That may come with time.  But if you don't have that down quite yet, start giving and let the cheer come later.  Because the best day to start is yesterday.  But today is the next best option.

"By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of [our] lips giving thanks to his name." -Hebrews 13:15

Comfort Home

One of my favorite stories of all time is Cinderella.  The way she maneuvers her way through life from rags to riches is simply inspiring to the average girl (or young adult such as myself).  But there is a pretty significant, yet simple, lesson in this fairytale.  Cinderella was a homebody.  She was a scullery maid who lived in the attic and befriended household animals.  Her comfort was embraced in her room, away from the hustle and bustle of the day.  Going to the ball was out of her comfort zone.  She didn't have a gown, or shoes, and after living as a maid for many years, she probably didn't see herself as a princess.  But she refused to pass on the opportunity when it presented itself.  She rejected her usual comfort zone and played to her fantasies and possibilities.  It was then that she met her destiny.  The Prince was waiting beyond her comfort zone.  In application to myself, the Prince being my successful goals.  

We aren't generally challenged to move beyond our comfort zone in our own home.  It is comfort that keeps us there and breeds complacency.  I am the biggest example of this.  My home is not where I flourish, but where I feel comfortable.  Home is where familiar is.  I love the comfort and familiar of our home, and like most introverts, I reenergize when I am in solitude.  It takes energy and enthusiasm to be among others, something I tend to have a shortage of since my son was born and I operate on a bit less sleep.  Non-the-less it is essential that I get out and experience people on a daily basis.  It is essential that I get outside my quiet zone, because if I don't, I will lose familiarity with being outside my comfort zone.  Someone once said that being in your comfort zone needs to be so unusual that it feels uncomfortable.  This is so essential if we ever want to make something of ourselves.  

The best thing we can do is proactively go to embrace the uncomfortableness before it embraces us.  Go out, see the world, and meet your "prince".

-"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9

The Childish Id

Several times now I have reverted to explaining my opinions with children's behavior.  There is a simple reason for this.  Children are the raw form of who we are.  Society hasn't taught them who to be or what to say, they haven't grasped the use of appropriate behavior, and are most often centrally focused.  What I mean by this, is they represent, in full, the Id mentalities.  Me me me, I want I want I want.  And believe it or not, this is a beautiful thing because it helps us understand who we are fighting to mask deep down, and more importantly, who we are fighting not to be in the stressful times.

I have found in the stressed times, we cling to that psychological "Id" that calls for us to give in to impulses and the self-focused feelings.  When we are stressed, we don't center ourselves on practiced politeness, but instead instinctually cling to selfishness.  If there is ever a time that can uproot us in our quest for success or self-esteem, it is in the emotional and stressful times.  

Let me give you an example.  In my junior year of high school we moved to a pretty big house.  It had a glorious 4 bathrooms, which meant that each person living in the house could have a designated bathroom.  Mine was centrally located, but out of the general living area.  Time and time again I would go to my bathroom to be met by the foul smelling odor of feces.  Groaning, I would shut the door and walk away or hold my breath and quickly retrieve the item I was searching for.  One day, I was irritated about something and turned to enter my bathroom to be met by the ritualistic smell of poop.  I responded by yelling, "And why does everyone always poop in MY bathroom?"  I was met by a loud eruption of laughter.  I never lived that down.  To this day it is a running joke that everyone only uses my bathroom to poop.  My point is that in my fit of frustration I reverted to thinking like a five-year-old and sounding ridiculous.  

I am sure you have plenty of stories of sounding like a child in your greatest moments of frustration.  There is no way to rid yourself entirely of the childish instinct.  You can get better at hiding it with practice and the more you practice, the better you get.  The true reality of the situation is knowing that thinking childish at times is a weakness everyone struggles with, but that doesn't mean you don't have to learn to manage it.  One of the best things you can do for yourself is understand when you are of stable or childish mind.  It is this self-awareness that you should rely on when determining whether or not you are fit to make a big decision.  Only make big decisions in moments of stability, not on the waves of emotionality. This will help you become consistent and reliable to others, but most importantly to yourself.  Consistency will keep you grounded, focused, and striving.  And that is the person I am striving to be.  

"A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise [man] keepeth it in till afterward." -Proverbs 29:11

The Fair Sacrifice

The air was crisp and cool, leaves off the trees, sun in the sky.  Edric (my five month old) was bundled to the max, but it was oddly unnecessary for this particular December day.  I took a jog around the unfamiliar park as I waited for the arrival of my friend.  She showed up in a fit of stress, a large golden lab and two young children (ages 3 & 4) trailing behind her like a row of chaotic ducklings.  As I walked over to her car, she pulled a shiny red Iron Man bike from her truck and rested it on the gravel.  It was immediately mounted by the older of the two boys and we were off on our walk around the lake.  The boys each got a turn to ride, the older: the first half, the younger: the second half.  It took no time at all for a single phrase to break the peace between the boys.  That phrase was repeated time and time again, a result foreseeable by any mother or individual that has had any experience with young children.  What was this phrase?  "That's not fair!"  

I am not sure if this is a learned mentality or one innately given, but fairness is a process we have all struggled with at one time or another.  You see, we have all been in that situation when we have been wronged (or at least seemingly so); when things didn't go just right and we got the short end of the stick.  It is in those times that we start to believe we are less than cared for.  No one wants this reality to be true, so we fight for this overarching "fairness"  concept.  But in reality, striving for fairness doesn't solve the problem, either.  Forcing everyone to live by fairness principles creates mentalities that result in communism.  The reality is we live in a world that isn't fair.  And that is a good thing.  Anti-fair mindset creates a motivation to work really hard and accomplish something more than average.  

Apparently, schools are now teaching children to play games where everyone is always a winner and no one ever loses.  Does this bother anyone else?  One of the most influential memories I have occurred when I was a child.  I worked a lot at a camp my parents started for children of prisoners.  They would come from the inner cities and spent anywhere from a day to five days experiencing the country life.  More often than not, I would get caught up in the games and activities offered to the campers.  One day in particular, I was challenged to a game of carpet pool (for all intents and purposes, the specifics of the game don't matter, but if you want to know more about it, let me know and I'll explain it to you) by a young overly hyperactive kid on the farm.  What you have to remember, is I lived on the farm and played this game daily because we owned it.  I creamed the kid and felt really good about myself as I walked away.  One of the camp directors came over to me shortly after and asked me, "You couldn't have let him win, huh?"  I was shocked at the time.  It wasn't "fair" to assume this of me, after all, my challenger was my likely my senior and a boy to boot.  He deserved to be creamed, right?  Right?  

I think back to that day time and time again because that was the first time that I realized that winning and losing aren't always what they seem.  This boy needed a win to improve his confidence.  He was clearly struggling in life with his father being in jail and mother juggling 4+ kids.  No, it wouldn't be fair to assume I would let him win, but it would have been a gift that I could have given him that would have meant more to him than to me.  You see, if life was fair, he wouldn't need a win to feel worth while.  If life was fair, his daddy would have been present in his life and he wouldn't need to turn to hyperactivity to get the attention he craved.  I was blessed.  I had two parents and a sheltered life.  Life isn't fair.  He got the short end of the stick and I could have let him have the win just that once.  Because in reality the more "unfair" you live your life, the more of an impact you are making in the lives of others.  The more you sacrifice your fairness, the more you allow others to have a win when they may be craving it the most.  And that is a sacrifice worth making.

-"A just balance and scales belong to the LORD; All the weights of the bag are His concern."  -Proverbs 16:11

The Rut I Deserve

Some of my most glorious memories of my childhood come from summer vacation.  That was the time when the air was warm, sun was out, and the plans were slim.  It was during summer vacation that I never accomplished a single thing.  I would get up late, go to sleep late, and live according to the "come what may" philosophy.  It is with this understanding that now, as a success-focused individual, I know I can't live with similar principles to my vacationing adolescence.  It is easy to desire the care-free life, but without earning it, it will always be a fleeting season.

Time is something that the more you invest into it, the more it will give back.  Remember, if you want something, give it to others first.  You don't gain self-esteem by only focusing on yourself.  Yes, you do need to establish self-knowledge, but if you only see yourself all the time, you will be missing key points to your growth.

In the same way, indulging doesn't encourage self-esteem.  Many people fall into the rut that if they are giving in to what they want, they are believing in themselves.  In reality they are selling themselves short of their potential.  

Don't get me wrong, indulging is a good thing.  But only when it is earned.  You see, the very first time you decide to give in to what you "deserve", a mentality shift takes place.  You remember how great it feels to slack off and before you know it, you are navigating your way down the slippery slope of complacency.  Have you ever been on a very consistent exercise regimen, just to take an unplanned day off?  That day off was amazing, wasn't it?  And unless you are pursuing a very direct goal, a pattern of indulging becomes established.  Compromising your goals is always easier the second time.  And so on it goes.  The more you compromise, the easier it gets until mediocrity is the heading of your life.  

Still don't believe me?  Let me give you another example.  Alcoholism.  They have a strict 100% sober rule.  For life.  Anyone who has been through this system knows that the minute you step off the wagon, it is too late.  You have embarked down the road of compromise.  Not that you can't get back on the wagon, but if you decide to get back on you need to be able to remake the commitment to a sober life again.  I feel the need to clarify that there are exceptions to this rule.  But that doesn't mean that these exceptions had it easy establishing the willpower to quit after one drink.  More often than not, compromise begets compromise.  

Let me tell you what earned reward looks like.  You work really hard to achieve your reward.  Your success boosts your confidence and builds a foundation of success.  Because in the same way that compromise begets compromise, success begets success.  And instead of wanting to compromise again, you will want to succeed again to reach your reward.  This is how you build a life... and strong confidence.   

"When people work, their wages are not a gift, but something they have earned." -Romans 4:4

Self-Knowledge Challenge

Yesterday I challenged everyone to write down ten challenges that may stand between them and their goals in effort to achieve greater self-knowledge.  I took this challenge one step further and worked on how to overcome these things.  The diseases and their antigens. I am going to share this list with you, ignoring the fact that this is going to highlight in bold my main weaknesses.  This will hopefully inspire some (or maybe most) of you that decided you would be a passive reader and not participate in this challenge.  

Mentality Diseases:

1. Belief that I "deserve" to take the day off, or encouragement of indulgences.
2. Low Self-Image.
3. Negativity.
4. Selfishness.
5. Focus on the Past.
6. The "Fair" Mentality.
7. Emotional Highs and Lows.
8. Introverted and Comfortable in my home.
9. People Pleaser.
10. Perfectionistic.

Note: About half of these I have written about in past blogs.  For the ones I haven't, I will explain in the next few days.

Mentality Antigens:

1. Set up a reward system based on goal achievements.
2. Say 10 good things about myself in the mirror.
3. Search out a dose of perspective when negativity arises.
4. Intentionally focus on my husband's selfless behavior.
5. Pick up my son and give him a hug, right here, right now.  Focus on now.
6. Build healthy habits solely on my own motivation.
7. Never allow myself to make decisions when in a high or low.  Only steady.
8. Get out daily.  Daily.
9. Increase my own standards.
10. Embrace my weakness and don't fear displaying it in the open.

If this is difficult for you, I recommend getting to know yourself a little deeper.  One of the things I did was take the personality test featured in The Personality Tree.  I highly recommend this book to all those who haven't read it.  It makes you feel empowered when dealing with people.  Regardless of whether or not you read this book, you may need to figure out a way to delve deep into who you really are.  And this can be painful.  But honesty is required in the process of self-growth.  The other piece of this is you can't be afraid to look bad when creating this list.  Understanding that we all have weakness is the first step to truly embracing who we are.  I am taking the steps I need to take to fulfill my goals.  Are you?

"My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.  "Because you have rejected knowledge, I also reject you as my priests; because you have ignored the Law of your God, I also will ignore your children." -Hosea 4:6

Start at the Line

"But the normal, healthy-minded individual will realize that

 true self-knowledge is always the beginning of self-development."

-Norman Vincent Peale

When I was young, I was a bit of a practical joker.  I found pranks hilarious and preyed particularly on close family and friends.  To this day, one event in particular stands out in my brain.  I was at an extended family Christmas and had been itching to try out a new prank I had heard of on the internet.  When the opportunity arose, I politely and sweetly asked my dearest grandmother for a bucket of clothes pins.  To my mother's horror, anytime my sweet granny walked by I would clip the little wooden tongs onto any sag in her shirt.  She would continue her journey to the kitchen, and upon her return I would add another.  Unbeknownst to her, by the end of the day (and with many encouragements from my older and similarly devious cousins), poor Nanni's shirt was covered in the pins.  

I am happy to report I got a good reprimand later for my bad behavior.  Regardless of my mistaken youth, it brings up an interesting analogy.  How many things in our lives cling to us, obvious to the world, but hidden to us?  It seems some of the most blatant things we remain in the dark about, because we never go looking for these things.  Self-awareness is essential if we are expecting to grow.  If we have no starting point, how can we expect to identify any goals in our lives?  We can't.  Think about a track race.  All the runners crouch on the border of a line, waiting for the opportunity to cross it.  Without this starting point, the runners are not able to be directed or competitive.  All their training and skill is wasted, because they don't have any way to measure their success or compete with others.  The same goes for you.  Self-knowledge is essential for progress and success. 

It is natural to think that self-knowledge is the result of spending an endless amount of time with yourself.  And while that creates the opportunity to know some, it is easy to remain in the dark about the elusive clothes pins hanging from our back.  It takes a mirror or a good friend to bring them to your attention.  Without these things, the likelihood of finding them are slim.

The other problem is often we don't want to focus on these obscenities.  A perfect example is my self-esteem.  I knew that my self-esteem was not where it ought to be and it had the potential of holding me back.  But until I did some serious self-analysis, I didn't realize the extent of the harm this could cause me.  It is so important to become self-aware.  This brings about my next challenge to you (and of course me).  Write down 10 things that could get in the way of you achieving your goals.  If you don't have any goals, now would be a perfect time to make some.  Because if not now... when? 

-"For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think [of himself] more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith." -Romans 12:3

Boasting

We need to boast in our weaknesses.  When I first heard this (2 Corinthians 12:9) it made me make that face.  You know the expression that depicts complete and utter confusion?  Yah, I had that one.  It wasn't until I started analyzing this statement that I realized the validity of it.  Let me explain.

Boasting requires taking pride in something.  In order to take pride in something, you have to understand its value.  And finding the value in weakness is not an easy feat.  Outside of accepting that perfectionism is not the goal, we have to understand that weakness is a good thing.  You see weakness requires that you look beyond yourself to find completion.  This establishes a healthy sense of understanding that success doesn't happen on your own.  And weakness requires a healthy reliance on others, and in that reliance, others have the opportunity to shine.

Let me give you a literal example.  When my husband's deployment was nearing an end, I moved to Washington to prepare our life so he could relax upon his return.  We had two cars and mine had a dead battery from 7 months of sitting, so I took Marcus'.  His proceeded to blow up (literal smoke out the top of the hood).  I was stranded with no knowledge of cars, a dying phone, and no friends in the immediate area.  This weakness caused me to rely on a tow truck and local repair shop.  My weakness was obvious and required that I rely on someone else to get somewhere.  Did I feel like boasting in my weakness at the time?  No.  But it was here that I grew to gain more independence and the shop gained more pride in its work.  Not only that, but I became desperate for help.  This desperation reminds me of my inability to accomplish life alone and teaches me to be grateful even in the difficulty.

But my focus is self-esteem right?  So how does this pertain?  Boasting in weakness allows for me to take pride in the whole of me.  Even in the darkest corners i need to boast.  The more that I bring to light my weakness, the less weak I will feel.  Because it is weakness in the dark that causes damage.  When we illuminate our weakness and take ownership of it, a sense of freedom abounds.  Not that we have any less weakness, but that we are ok with it.  And being ok with our weakness is stepping stone to taking pride.  And a stepping stone is progress.  

"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weakness so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." -2 Corinthians 12:9

Why?

It is very easy to be mediocre.  As I have mentioned before, all it takes is deciding that the sacrifice isn't worth the reward to give up.  So in order to achieve anything, including self-esteem, you need to have a good "Why".  What I mean by this is that you need to have a why that is steady and reliable enough that when the day to day temptations come, your motivation to try is enough of a reason to overcome the hurdle.  

For me, it took me 6 years to develop a "Why" that was worth building my self esteem.  Because you see, if self-esteem needs improvement, more often than not, you don't see yourself as worth the effort to build it.  At least that was true for me.  I knew it was worth building and I knew I probably should build it, but until I had a good reason, it didn't reach the top of the priority list.  Let me start by telling you my "Why"s.  

The biggest thing that motivates me to think better of myself is my son.  One of my business coaches says, "The minute you allow yourself to run from things in your life, you pass it on to your children."  That statement alone is enough reason for me to pursue better, for my son's sake.  I want the best life for him that I can possibly attain.  This was the motivation I needed to confront my obstacles when they confront me.  

The second motivator I have is that I know my full potential will never be met if I don't believe in myself.  I want to be an asset to my husband, not a liability.  I want to be an encourager and a pursuer.  I want to embody the term "leader" with others, but I have to first believe I am worthy of following.  

And the same goes for you.  Whatever you want to be and whatever you want to do has to first be preceded by belief.  Belief in yourself, belief in your cause, and belief that failure begets success.  But in order to get there, you have to battle.  Because belief isn't something you can just decide to have, it grows, like a watered seed.  Belief comes from deciding again and again that the reward is worth the struggle and that the "Why" is reason enough to keep fighting.  I know mine is.  Is yours?  

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."  -Ephesians 6:4

Unconditional

"Not only does God command men to love their wives and women to 

respect their husbands, but that we must do this unconditionally."

Stress has a habit of debunking our good intentions.  Whether our goal is to be respectful to our spouse or to be encouraging to our selves, conditions tend to get in the way.  Let me give you an example.  I have been avidly reading Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.  He has emphasized time and time again how important it is to respect your husband even in the hardest of times.  I have been applying this principle whenever an interaction presents itself. Last night we decided to use the "cry it out" method of parenting.  In case you are unfamiliar with this strategy, the goal is to teach your child to fall asleep, but the process requires you to  leave their room and let them cry until they fall asleep.  An hour and a half went by and I couldn't take it anymore.

I turned to Marcus and said in tears, "Enough.  I can't do it anymore.  Can I go and get him?"  He said, "Yes we can go and get him, but let me go in first and I will be calm and show him that there is nothing the matter.  If you go in there you will be gushing all over him and make him feel that his crying is justified."  If I was applying the principles the book encourages, my response would have been: "Ok darling, beloved husband of mine.  I will submit to your leadership."  Instead, in all of my disrespectful glory I responded.  "No, I neeeeeed to get him nowwwww."  Pathetic?  Yup.  Dignified?  Nope.   Consistent with my goals of being respectful?  Nope.  Because the stress of the situation overrode my goals of respect.  In order to have consistent success our desire to overcome has to override the desire to give up.  The larger the stress, the greater the temptation to give up.

So how do we increase our desire for success?  Practice.  Like anything, the more we practice, the better we will get.  And one of the best ways to improve is to focus on improving 1-3 things at a time.  Any more and we won't be able to focus on them all.  You see, winning is habitual; and so is failure.  If you allow yourself to give in on your standards or goals, it is easier to give in the next time, and so it goes.  How many times have you given yourself a break from working out just to have that be the start of a streak of exercise-less days?  The more we allow for compromise in our standards, the more that compromise will determine us more than the success does.  That is why procrastination is so dangerous.  If we allow it to become a habit, we allow that to potentially become part of our character.  

So as I am embark on pursuing not only self-esteem, but excellence, one of the greatest methods for success is not giving in, even when the stress tries to overwhelm it.

"Whatever you have learned or received or seen in me--put it into practice.  And the God of Peace will be with you." -Philippians 4:9

Punctuate the Past

"You will never advance to your future until you put 

punctuation in your past so you may have hope for your future."

-Pastor Roger Archer

So many things in life rate you based on your past.  Jobs, school, even friends.  This sad truth causes many people to determine worth by their past behaviors.  I do it all the time.  The worst part of it all, however, is we let our past determine the worth of our future.  And this can't continue.  

Maybe you think your pain is too big, or the hurt is too deep.  Or that your past makes you unfixable.  Truthfully, it is really easy to think this way.  But I made a vow to speak truth in this blog and the reality is: the past does not have to control your future.  What Pastor Archer was saying is that here and now can be your new beginning to something better.  And everyday you may have to draw that line and start over again.  That's ok.  Life is a process.  Be patient with yourself and remember that you are better than your past.  Not that the past didn't happen.  It did.  And it made you who you are.  And you are beautiful, so no matter what happened, it was not too big or too bad to make you anything less.  

The hurt will creep back in at times.  But the art of life is being aware of that hurt and learning to work through it so it doesn't control you.  Forgiveness is another whole piece of this.  Everyone has to forgive someone.  You live in a world full of flawed humans.  This means someone will wrong you at some point.  It is at this point when you need to embrace the fact that everyone is flawed.  So don't let their flaw keep you in your hurt.  Someone once said that unforgiveness and bitterness are like taking poison.  The other person is completely unaffected, while it destroys you from the inside.  

We have to get past it.  We have to move forward.  We were meant to shine.  You.  You were meant to shine.  And you never will if you don't move forward from the past.  Like I said yesterday, whatever we focus on becomes our action.  If we focus on our past we are destined to repeat it.  Instead, move forward knowing you are capable of more.  You are capable of better.  Because you are beautiful.

"Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice."  -Ephesians 4:31